Saturday, July 9, 2011

The fear that lurks beneath the surface

I'm having a wonderful summer.

And yet.

The other night I had a nightmare in which the purple spots I get on my arms also appeared on my face. Then, like in a horror movie, tiny red specks formed on my forehead, and blood began to spurt from them.

It was a sure sign that I had relapsed.

That's it. I'm cooked, I thought.

The fear was visceral.

I awoke during one of the worst thunderstorms in recent memory. Maybe the noise stirred something deep within me.

It could also have been from suppressed check-up anxiety. I have an appointment Monday at Dana-Farber after my longest hiatus, six weeks.

But who knows why this fear arises to rattle us, whether we're sleeping or awake.

I wonder if it ever goes away.


Elayne said...

I know exactly what you are talking about. I have tests Monday too, will be thinking of you. Hope all goes well :)

susiegb said...

It does get less Ronni, but I don't think the lead-up to a check-up is ever going to be totally worry-free. (3 hyphenated words in one sentence?!!) But I see my haematologist every 3 months now and, although I know it's possible, I don't really expect there to be any problem when I see him.

I'll be thinking positive thoughts for you ... :)

Ann said...

The fear finds a way of creeping up on me when I'm especially tired or worried about something else in my life. It's an opportunist that will take every chance it can to grab hold. It gets all of us, so you're not alone. It does get better and the fear becomes less frequent and a little more toothless as time goes by.

PJ said...

I have the "what if I have leukemia" thought about once a week. I can usually dismiss it quickly because I've has so much practice. Keep enjoying Summer!

Anonymous said...

Dearest Runder-Woman --

if it's any consolation -- i too am having major anxiety dreams -- night sweats and all!

perhaps there is something about the heat of summer -

on a different note -- i cannot believe you posted anything positive about mrs. casey -- she was cruel -- nothing short of that -- and senile --
little billy

anyway my comma key does not work so please forgive -- you can't have great dreams without the opposite -- and it's healthy to work out the thunder of the internal storm! xop

Nelle said...

Ronni, over the years it happens less frequently,but it never goes away. Right now I am having nightmares of all kinds of things going wrong during my upcoming heart surgery. Thank God for ativan!