Friday, October 22, 2010

Thoughts about believing in the future

On Wednesday, in addition to my regular clinic appointment, I have an appointment with a nephrologist (kidney specialist).

I saw Dr. Humphries over the summer when my ankles were really swollen. Because my sodium is too low, I have been taking salt tablets; he told me to go from three a day down to two. Then he told me to make an appointment for October.

"Wow, I thought, he thinks I'll still be alive by then."

Here it comes, and, sure enough, I'm alive and feeling pretty good.

I thought about this as the buzz began over my 35th Vassar reunion, coming this May. I got an e-mail from an old friend asking me if I wanted to go. He said he had gotten an e-mail from another classmate. I ran it by Katryn and Alice, classmates who I saw this weekend, and asked them their thoughts.

I've been to many high school reunions, but only to one college reunion. We stayed in a dorm, had big buffet meals under a tent, reconnected with old friends and wandered around. It was fun to talk to people, but a little stressful. And staying in the dorm didn't do too much for me.

Anyway I realized yesterday when walking Maddie that my thoughts about the reunion have been about if it would be fun, not about whether I'll still be here in May.

I think the fear of relapse will always be with me at some level. And when I'm waiting for my counts on Wednesday there will be that moment when I hold my breath.

But I took it as a good sign of moving forward that I now at least assume I will be alive and well in May.

Writing this makes me afraid that I will jinx myself, just like I feel when I make plans that seem a little too far in the future. But hey, I just wrote it, and I'm not going to take it back!


Jonny said...

I read somewhere about a saying in Arabic: "He who has health has hope; he who has hope has everything."

You've had the courage to have still retained hope in the face of ill health...and now,"hopefully", on the rebound with health.

So hope should shift into overdrive, or at least cruise control, and blow past any jinx on the road to Vassar.

Happy motoring!

Susan C said...

Wonderful post. I think you're gonna' have a blast at the reunion.

donna young said...

I love Jonny's Arabic quote. As you know I always "knock on wood" when I think I might jinx myself. Pretty silly I guess, but it makes you feel better. Look forward to your reunion. You'll make it and go far beyond!

Ann said...

Those niggling fears will always be with us. Live. Have fun. You deserve it! Go to your reunion and enjoy yourself. I'm happy that you posted this and are making plans.

susiegb said...

Oh yes Ronni - I definitely believe in making plans for the future and expecting to be around to do them (or alternative ones if the fancy takes one!) It's not that we should live for the future, but (I hesitate to say this!) positive thinking!

I too loved Jonny's post. Even when I was ill in hospital, I think I had hope (or expectations!) that I would be better and able to enjoy this gift of life fully again ... :)