Sunday, December 20, 2009

Whine time

It hasn't been a very good week. I've felt sick on and off, with low energy, nausea, vomiting and stomach pain. At least the headache went away.

Melissa returned a call one day when I was still in bed at 1:15 p.m. I had no idea. She said to get up and at least drink something. Most days I haven't gotten up that late – usually around 10:30. When I get up, I take two Maalox and wait to feel better. Usually it works.

I was at Deb's the other day and she said to give in, chill out, lie on the couch. I've written about this before, and so have other people. I don't want to lie down. It makes it seem like I'm sick. So I didn't follow her advice. Instead, I played indoor tennis with my friend Joe. Most of the time I did get the ball over, but I popped a lot of shots into the air on my side. I felt pretty bad and apologized. I asked if I could have another chance, and he said of course and pointed out that I had just gotten out of the hospital. I bought him a coffee and we shared a cookie, and I felt better, but still kind of embarrassed.

It was freezing all week. The next day, the heat konked out in the kitchen and my bedroom. Those two rooms are in different zones – the addition we built when Katie was born. This has happened before. I like it cool in the house, but this was really cold. A called our local heating company, and for some reason the man who came over was totally flummoxed. From upstairs I heard cursing, banging and clanging. He said we needed a part that he just happened to have. When he went to install it, he ripped a piece off. More cursing. He said he couldn't stand it anymore and called his boss. The boss came over and fixed it. This took hours of turning the thermostat on and off.

Yesterday I needed to do a little shopping. Once again I wasn't quite up to it, but I did it anyway. I took Maddie, who is not a city dog. She went crazy, pulling every which way. It wasn't fun for either of us. Before I finished I put her in the car. When I came home, I fell asleep on the couch, the phone in my hand.

It's 2:30 and I'm going to walk the dog, even though I don't feel like it. I think it's a little warmer now.

Also I think all week I've been trying to prove something. I may have the lingering effects of the virus, but I am not sick.

I was sick a year ago today, and now I'm doing that pernicious thing, sick=relapse. Most of us are suspicious about bad anniversaries and optimistic about good ones, when in fact, it's just a day. Dec. 21st (tomorrow) will be one year since I relapsed. It was snowy weather like this when Joe drove me to Diane's, who took me to the emergency room. On the drive over, I kept saying, "I'm not going to see my grandchildren." I was admitted to the hospital, where I stayed for three and a half months.

Joe is home from college now, which is great. He's going to drive me to Dana-Farber for my check-up tomorrow. We'll listen to sports talk on the radio, just like we did when he drove me in the summer. I hope that will be a good enough distraction.

P.S. I am enabling a "comment moderation" feature because I have getting a lot of spammers. I am sorry if this is a pain for most readers, who are not spammers. As for the others: GO AWAY! I am only going to delete your comment anyway.


Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
PJ said...

Considering how yucky you feel, you've done quite a lot today. Hoping for good counts tomorrow.

susiegb said...

Hope all goes really well tomorrow (well, today here in Oz!). Your story about not wanting to appear sick reminded me so much of when I was in hospital having chemo. I would refuse to lie on my bed in the daytime in case anyone thought I was sick! (As if someone in hospital could be sick - perish the thought!!)

Lori said...

Hi Ronni,
I hope that you have a great day tomorrow with only good news to discuss on the way home. Take your boots. It snowed a lot in Boston and thankfully not here. Enjoy the kids being on vacation and rest when you need to. That way you'll be back playing tennis with us, hopefully soon! Take good care.

Ann said...

This post definitely resonates with me. Sick? Who, me? Never! I'm approaching some scary anniversaries of my own and know the head games I play with myself. Cut yourself some slack and get some rest. No one is going to judge you. I'm with PJ, you've done more in a day than some people do in a week. I hope the visit goes well and can't wait to hear all about it.

EmmySue said...

Hi Ronni:

Looking forward to hearing about good counts today... Hope the weather cooperates for your trip to Boston.

donna said...

I know what you mean about anniversaries. Arielle is always skittish around Thanksgiving now, due to what happened to her. Good things can happen however, and I know that you are going to have a good check-up today. Hope to see you Wednesday!

Cindy Freebairn said...

Hi Ronni~
Have been following your blog.We've relocated from Mexico City to Washington DC. Your story continues to inspire me. You're amazing. Know that you've been in our thoughts across the miles. May your day be a good one......

Howard said...

Give yourself a break Sistah, and let the anniversaries come and go as best you can without demonizing them. They come and go anyway.

...and if I sound high and mighty, I'm not. I do the same thing and attach unrealistic importance to dates that deserve none. I think I have to lie down...

Howard said...

Hey spammers,

Lay off our pal Ronni. isn't there some traffic you need to play in?

Nelle said...

I am sorry that you have not been feeling well. I find lately I am cold a lot and I cannot imagine having a problem with the heat when you are not feeling well. Am having positive thoughts for you for tomorrow. Sometimes a virus IS just a virus but with your history of course you would be concerned when you don't feel well. I am struggling with some of this myself in a different way.

Susan C said...

I hope the appointment went well. Your ability to push yourself, even when you're feeling lousy, never stops amazing me.

(I think I'm going to have to go back to moderating comments too. I'm getting a ridiculous amount of SPAM.)

Trish said...

understand only TOO well about comment moderation. I did that from the beginning on my blog...and even tho I explain they are moderated, people STILL try to make hideous comments. Had one guy rant on and on about how people with melanoma DESERVE it and it's G-d's way and blah, blah, blah.

I understand only too well about anniversaries and relapses. It's been 3 years since I was first Dx and December makes me nervous. Keep on doing what you can, but remember to rest and get the help you need---I know, I know, hard to do but it can feel sooo good to rest sometimes. ask me how I know.

sending positive vibes your way

Anonymous said...


You are allowed many yucky sick days. Your bodyy and mind have been through hell and I am sure you are taking many meds that our bodies are not suppose to be taking (at least I still take about 20 with side effects that basically say you could die if you take this medicine). We do it everyday to stay alive which is the ironic thing.

Anniversaries are wonderful and frightening. We look back at the progress we have made and in other areas feel like we have slipped or were better off a year ago.

I am sure you were just feeling yucky because.....we have crappy days and weeks.

Please fill us in on your trip to DF. Sports radio in Boston is like whole sub culture that the rest of the country might not understand. I grew up and when WEEI and the SPorts Radio or Red SOx were on my brother and I were to be SILENT in the station wagon for hours!

Big healing hugs-

Meryl Fingrutd said...


Perhaps some shop therapy is in order- buy yourself something beautiful to enjoy- it might be a better way to commemorate an anniversay. I'm thinking of you.


disease awareness said...

I am The editor/writer with I really liked your site and i am interested in building a relationship with your site. We want to spread public awareness. I hope you can help me out. Your site is a very useful resource.

Please email me back with your URl in subject line to take a step ahead. To avoid spam.

Thank you,

Daria said...

I've noticed an increase in spammers ... very frustrating. All the best to you ...