Friday, April 3, 2009

Transitions, transitions

I am safely ensconced at Diane's, my patient belonging bags piled in a corner in my niece Lily's room, where I am sleeping, a paper bag filled with prescriptions tucked in the corner of the kitchen, my loaded pillbox on the counter.

I'm trying not to spread all over the place, but that seems to be what's happening. Diane and David have been great, taking care of me and making sure to get me things so I only have to climb the stairs once a day.

It is, of course, great to be out of the hospital, and I don't want to complain, but...
I've had this feeling every other time I've left the hospital: a feeling of withdrawal, a sense of loss. Where did all the nurses go? I've read about the "post-partum" depression that often accompanies discharge, so I know that it's normal and that it will pass. The rainy, damp weather isn't helping, either. Part of it is that when you're in the hospital actively fighting, that takes all of your focus. Now that I'm entering into a new phase, which of course involves a different kind of fighting, all that I went through is beginning to hit me more.

It takes extra energy to be in a house, going up the stairs, sitting at the table for dinner. So I am kind of drained and droopy. Today I made my first clinic visit for platelets. Diane came too and wheeled me around. I had my cane but I couldn't have done all that walking.

Also of course I totally appreciate being here, because it's only 30 minutes from the clinic and they're making me feel at home, but it's not my home, with my dog pestering me and my daughter singing in the next room, playing the piano, having tea with me in the kitchen or reading or watching TV together in the den. Also, soon, Joe will come home from college and make the house even more lively, and as summer approaches, Ben will be around more. I'm not really sure when I'll get depends on when I start making platelets.

I picked up a copy of President Barack Obama's "Dreams from my Father," and it has really captured my attention. It is helping me focus on other things.


Michelle B said...

Hey Ronni.. I am so glad to know you are out of the hospital and moving towards better days. Keep up the good work and think happy thoughts... I can hear my daughter singing even when she is not around... as I am sure you can as well.

PJ said...

One day at a time--remember that old mantra? You'll start making platelets soon. Mine never seemed to go up until AFTER I left the hospital.

That's a good book you're reading.

Cat said...

I'm glad you're out of the hospital, and that you're on your way to truly "going home" again.

Susan said...

Hi R-
I was really happy to open your blog post and find a post to read today. You've been through a lot, and it's going to time to recover. Even those daily living activities that will make you stronger day by day. I think you might well get some sun shining your way later this weekend!


Susan C said...

I have no doubt that these transitions are challenging. And just when you adapt, it will be time to move on to another transition. Step by step by step

Jim said...


I have a feeling you're going to be dealing with a lot emotionally the next few months, after dealing with so much physically. The good part is you know how to vent and process, and you clearly have good people around you, even without nurses around 24-7.

When I run my marathon in June, I'm going to be thinking of you and your example in taking on tremendous challenge.


Terri said...

You've come so far! I too am inspired by you.

donna said...

As I was reading this post I happened to look to the side and saw again your background info in the right column. The part about your summer 2007 relapse stood out. You have been actively fighting this time for almost 2 years straight. Of course you're tired. You have a right to be. You have been to hell and back. You are climbing out of a big hole. Baby steps are going to get you there. You will be home for the good weather and when the kids are around. Keep your eye on that can of tennis balls. Next stop: South Hadley. Can't wait!

One Mother with Cancer said...

I am so happy for you to finally get to leave the hospital. My counts are starting to come up, and they said by the end of next week I should be able to go home as well.

Vytas said...

Hi Ronni!

It's great to hear you're out. More than one nurse has been seen shaking their heads and overheard saying, "That Ronni has 9 lives!" Always knew you'd make it, but to be honest I never thought you would take your sweet ever lovin' time about it! (I guess you really liked our care!) Congratulations again.
Now on with Spring and all things soon to be green and brightly colored!

Nelle said...

Ronni we all know there is just no place like home. Right now I'm sure you need Diane's TLC as well as her other support. You have taken a large step. I am sending positive vibes for you to make platelets and soon be strong enough to be back with your family in your own home. It will happen!
All my best,

Anonymous said...

What GREAT friends and caregivers but I can tell you are so appreciative too.

Great sign you are reading- it took me awhile before the words did not jump around on me:)!

Samantha MacRae said...

Hi Ronni,

You are doing great. It really unbelievable after everything you have been through. Those platelets will kick in soon and you will be home.

Sam xx

Wendy S. Harpham, MD said...

Sending wishes for continued healing and increased strength.
With hope, Wendy

Sarah said...

Feel free to complain away! You describe this moment beautifully. Your positive outlook and courage have served you well, but it's good to be pissed off and you have plenty of reasons for anger and fear. Your gratitude always shines through. Congrats on this big step!

Kate said...

Looking forward to seeing increased activity at your house! The flowers in your yard are bowing their heads, Grappa's nose has ceased to quiver in search of Maddie's scent,Spring hasn't sprung eternal yet...Let the platelets go forth and multiply!!!