Transfusions at the clinic; shopping on the web

Went to the clinic today shouldering some anxiety about what my counts would be. I knew I'd probably need blood and platelets, but it was the white count I was starting to obsess about. What if it had plunged, signaling something bad? With help from Diane, I reasoned through this. I got my blood checked every day in the hospital and I didn't obsess (well, not too much, anyway) about my counts. Just because I was going into a different setting, doesn't mean my results should be bad. Breathe in, breathe out. Think of something else. I did those things and also tried Wendy's suggestion; Every time you have a "bad" thought, soothe yourself by substituting a good one.

I didn't feel well this morning. I was weak and dizzy. My blood pressure turned out to be very low, and when I saw Melissa she said I needed blood and was probably dehydrated. My hematocrit was 22, and my platelets were 2!!!! I got transfused and although I still feel shaky, I think I'm feeling a little better. My white count actually was down a little, to 2.9, but Melissa didn't seem concerned and ordered a shot of Neupogen.

I have been on an internet-buying binge. I don't usually like to order from catalogues or the internet, because I end up sending most of it back. The packages arrive daily, and David announces, "Package for Miss Gordon!" Much of it is piling up in the corner to be returned, but I have kept a few things. I'm not done yet. My cousin Jeanne visited yesterday looking great in a striped T-shirt; she sent me the link and I'm going to order it.

It's a way of showing that I'm alive and that I plan to continue living so I can wear alll this stuff.