Holding pattern is over

I got my first dose of fludarabine, the pre-transplant chemotherapy, on Saturday. I’ll continue getting it once a day until Thursday, when I’ll get a double dose of melphalan, a chemotherapy agent aimed at mopping up what I like to keep reminding myself is a small amount of leukemia. I get my new cells on Friday. Thank you donor, wherever you are.

Dr. Alyea said to expect mouth sores a few days after the melphalan and also a possible thinning of my hair. I still have some fevers (and accompanying shakes) but mostly I feel OK.

It was strange to make the transition from holding pattern to actually taking action. I’ve been here so long (since Dec. 21) that towards the end of the hanging out phase that ended Saturday, I could sometimes distance myself from why I am really here. Once the chemo started, I came face to face again with the worry over whether it will work. The flip side, of course, is thinking that the start of chemo brings me closer to the day when I get the new cells and get better. I’m working on it.

There is no more Zen in my walks. Starting Saturday, I officially became a BMT (bone marrow transplant), with all the restrictions that entails. No more going out the double doors to rapidly walk 30 laps (a mile and a half) around the sixth floor. Whether counting the laps or trying to get in touch with healing energy (sorry if that sounds too new-agey) or just quieting my mind through breathing, I felt that the walks calmed me down. I know, I’m breathing all the time (thankfully) and can still connect with my breath, but it helps to keep moving.

Now (still wearing gloves and a heavy mask), I walk up and down the pod. I couldn’t even begin to count laps per mile, because it’s the shortest pod I’ve been on. Also it’s an obstacle course, with chairs, equipment, janitors’ carts and other hazards making it hard to find a clear path. It always seems to be busy out there, with doctors, nurses and aides going in and out of rooms or congregating to discuss a patient. Still I managed to walk twice today for about 25 minutes each time and even managed to find an area of about six steps to get a little speed up. And it’s all about getting around the obstacles, isn’t it.

Knowing that the dietary restrictions would set in again soon, I had so many big salads last week that a nurse asked me if that was all I ate.

I had company all weekend, which was great. I felt bad when I nodded off during conversation after they came all this way, but I'm sure they understood. Nancy drove from Syracuse; Emily flew from Pittsburgh, and Serena took the train from New York. (Pause here to get stuck twice for blood cultures. Ouch. Poor arms.) Diane also popped in, and Jim brought Katie today after school. Correction: Katie drove Jim. Yikes.

Last night I had an interesting dream. I was in a house where a big bear was rummaging around inside. I tried to run outside but I wasn’t fast enough, because the bear was drawing near. So I plastered myself against a wall and stayed very still. Next thing I knew, the bear had left the house and I was safe.

Oh by the way, for anyone following the MRI story, I got the results back and my brain seems to be OK!