Worrying about not worrying

I feel pretty calm before my clinic visit later today. I don’t have to leave home until 11, so I have time to read the paper, walk the dog, write the post, and, of course, probably lollygag until I am running late.

When you’re further out of treatment, (like I was after my first transplant in 2003) the distance brings natural release from the kind of worry you get in the early days. I’m not that far out after my third transplant – a little less than five months – so my anxiety is still pretty close to the surface.

Carl wrote me a while back that worrying gives you a feeling of control where you really don’t have any. You feel that at least you’re doing something. There are better substitutions, like trust, or prayer, or distraction.

But you do start to feel that your worrying is productive, probably because it becomes a habit. This can be the case in many kinds of situations, not just illness. In letting go a little, like I am today, I am tempted to worry that I should worry, because if I don’t, something bad might happen. I start to feel more vulnerable, like my worry will shield me from harm, and if I go in there all calm, I might get a whopper of a bad surprise.

Well, now that I’ve gotten that out of my system, I’ve gone and eaten all of my cereal without leaving the usual portion of milk for the dog. She is looking at me all sad-eyed. Best to tend to what needs to be tended and try to stop worrying about not worrying.