Drinking coffee and pondering

Something (relatively) great happened yesterday.

After Maddie wakes me up, which is between 5:30 and 6 a.m. and if I am lucky, 6:30, I usually just get up. (It doesn't work to tell her to go lie down because it is one of the only times she ever barks; she keeps turning her head to the door and will not give up.)

I like to sleep with the room cold. Yesterday morning I turned the heat up, put on my sweatshirt, got under the quilts, read a little ... and then fell back asleep. I didn't get out of bed until 9. I can't remember the last time I did that.

Thank you everyone for the kind words on the post about the suicide of my cousin's daughter. For the record, she was my first cousin once removed. That sounds so technical, so I call them all cousins. It is still hard to believe that one week I was making plans to stay in touch and sleep at her house next Hanukkah, and then so soon after, she was gone.

Today I was back on the old schedule. Woke up early and couldn't get back to sleep. But I am making banana bread and drinking coffee, which is also (relatively) great because I was upset that I had lost my taste for it and was drinking tea, which just doesn't do the trick.

A friend came over the other day and brought me a soft infinity scarf. I had fun looking up all the ways to tie it. She asked if I had any food in the house and I started crying and said no, not much. She said (kindly) to snap out of it and give her a list. She said I should ask but I don't like to. I have gone out a few times to grab some things.

At the same time, another friend came over bringing a scone and a puppy for Maddie to play with. My dog has picked up my vibes and has looked at me anxiously as I pace the house and shed tears. I'm sure she was glad to have company, as was I. Also, it was nice to get texts and phone calls.

I have not exercised at all except for taking some slow dog walks, which I need to do because as I said previously, Jim and Jane are away. I feel like I need to move my body and am considering going to a yoga class this morning at the Hampshire Regional Y. If anything gets too stressful, I can go into child's pose.

My chest still hurts, but Melissa (via email) and Dr. Berger (via phone) said that will probably last for a while and not to worry about it as long as I no longer have a fever and am feeling better. I have an appointment with Melissa Wednesday before my ECP, and I am glad for that.

Jennifer's twin, David, has become a Buddhist and is finding great solace in his faith. He wrote, "If you want to say a prayer for her, please say the prayer, then chant Nam-myoho-renge-kyo three times." I looked it up and found this explanation.  A friend told me that Tina Turner's adoption of Nichiren Buddhism helped her get the courage to leave her husband. You can hear her chant it here, if you want.

Next Saturday David has planned a Buddhist memorial service in Queens. I would like to go. But it might be too much for me to drive all that way, especially so soon after having pneumonia. Also, I will need a place to stay because I can't drive alone both ways in one day. And I don't know where that would be. My only bad experience with airbnb was when I stayed at one in Riverdale over Hanukkah, so although the price was good, I wouldn't want to go back there. I will be taking a poll. I imagine most advisors will say to send my love and stay home.

Sick and heartbroken

I have been feeling under the weather and coughing but not too bad until over the weekend I got a low-grade fever and called my doctor's office where the physician on call said it was probably viral.

But when I went in to see Dr. Berger on Monday and told him my chest hurt he said that given my history he would give me an antibiotic, Levaquin. He sent me for an X-ray which later in the day revealed I have pneumonia.

It is not terrible like the time two years ago that I had to be hospitalized, so I have been going out a little to do some things I need to do. For example, Jane and Jim are away so I have to take care of my dog. I called Joe to see if he could come home this weekend but he had plans, so I had to go to the store. Without my exercise-induced endorphins, I feel mentally as well as physically crappy.

Jennifer Sack

I came in on Tuesday so see this post on Facebook: NYPD Wants Your Help Finding Missing Bronx Woman.  I wrote WHAT? because I saw that it was my beautiful cousin Jennifer, 37 and a twin – actually my cousin Peter's daughter, technically my first cousin once removed, but to me they are all cousins – and I had just talked to her at our Hanukkah party in the Bronx. We had such a nice talk and she had said I should stay with her next year. She looked like a model. I had no idea that anything was wrong, but the story said she was depressed. Her cousin sent me the link. She had been missing since Sunday.

She sent her parents an email with the heading "I'm sorry," saying she was going to jump off the GW bridge. She left a long suicide note. I was hoping that she was wandering around and had rethought it or that somebody might have stopped her. Apparently it is way too easy to jump off this bridge, with someone attempting it every 3.5 days and only a waist high metal guardrail. A story stating that an anti-suicide fence was planned by 2024 raised the question of why isn't there one already. Talk about scandal and the George Washington Bridge. It is a scandal that suicides off the bridge are on the increase and that people so distressed and vulnerable know how easy it is to do.

Her body was found yesterday near the Manhattan side of the bridge. I keep looking at her picture and wondering how that could happen. She was so beautiful inside and out and so full of life. I remember back in our apartment in New York 37 years ago pacing the living room and looking out the window at Mt. Sinai hospital where their mother, Diane, was in labor, and wondering when the twins would be born. They were so cute growing up and such nice adults who I always tried to see on holidays. To lose a twin must be almost unbearably hard.

I would like to share my sympathies with the family at the service on Sunday in New York, but I will not be able to go. So I will have to send love.