Well, I can be that way, anyway. I'm sure there are people who are steadier. The majority probably have fluctuations, often unexpected, because that's life. Slow and steady wins the race, but let's assume other characteristics can get you across the finish line, as long as you learn to steady yourself when that crazy feeling comes along.
Anyway, I've been appreciating how calm I've been in the last couple of weeks. I haven't obsessed about my counts. I feel I've settled down a notch. But my mind can be so annoying.
Yesterday I got a little crazy. I have two red spots, the size of a medium freckle, next to each other on my forehead, separated by about an inch and a half. I joked to somebody that if I were Frankenstein, that's where the screw holes would be. Ha ha, very funny.
Yesterday it was very buggy, and I got a lot of bites around my head. I figured the spots could be bites that reacted that way because even if they are high for me, my platelets are still low. Bleeding on the brain? From TWO dots? Very unlikely. Possible petechiae, signaling a plunge in platelets after I just got them Monday? I guess that what bothers me most. So I keep staring at them to try to figure out if they are petechiae, those tiny burst blood vessels that look like little dots. But these are too big, I don't have any others, and with low platelets I usually get clusters of them.
So what? Rational mind says if my platelets are low, I will get transfused on Monday. It's just that it's frustrating to see them low, and when they're higher I feel so much better. I can't do anything about this except for sending my platelets good energy, yet when they are down I feel somewhat responsible, and when they are up I feel like I've done a good job.
I have gotten kind of OCD-ish about this. I was doing my yoga and stretching in my room, and I actually got up to examine the spots again in the mirror. They were still there, just like they were five minutes ago! Duh. I tweak the OCD-ish behavior by scolding myself.
I tried to do a Sun Salutation, one of my favorite yoga sequences because it uses most parts of the body. It's difficult for me because my getting up and getting down is not so great. I have to admit that I forgot part, so I looked it up in a Rodney Yee book that had a good diagram. On parts where you are supposed to support your body with your arms, I spent a lot of time on my belly, but I think I'll keep practicing.
I guess as always I must also continue practicing the art of dealing with the crazy stuff, too. I've been walking around a bit without my hat or scarf, because I have a pretty good covering of hair, even though it looks like duck fuzz and there are a couple of bald patches. I figured out a way to keep myself from checking my spots too often: Keep the baseball hat on. Of course I can always take it off if I need to check whether they're smaller or faded...
