Whining, dining, and giving thanks

In the summer, my Labrador retriever, Maddie, came up to my room to sleep in the air conditioning, but now she likes to sleep on the couch. In the morning she comes upstairs to wake me up and lies down on her hand-me-down LL Bean bed. She does the perfect downward dog. I gave her one of the quilts that co-workers had signed for me. It was after my relapse and was a smaller version of the large one that I took with me everywhere for a long time. She likes to rest her head on it.

I usually get down on the floor for a stretch and a hug and some mutually beneficial endorphins. She had a long puppyhood. I used to complain about her, but now I can't imagine life without her. She is almost twelve, and I can get all verklempt about her age, but I try to change the channel. On Thanksgiving, I told her I was thankful for her.

Having Joe and Katie home filled the house with warmth. It seems like only yesterday that they were fighting over the school bus. Specifically, over whether Katie could get downstairs fast enough for him to give her a ride, with Joe saying he was going to leave without her and me chiming in that she better hurry. (Actually, yelling up the stairs.) This probably did not help to de-escalate. If she missed the ride and the bus, I would have to drive her and wouldn't have enough time to run before work.

Now when I talk about running, I refer to my "so-called" run, because I'm so slow. Due to my neuropathy, I feel like I have lead boots on my feet. So when I went out for a Thanksgiving day jog of a little under three miles, I was glad that it was so cold – 15 degrees – that I couldn't feel my feet.

I tried some CBD oil but it hasn't worked well. A woman at the Brattleboro Farmers Market sold it to me. I ran into a "CBD Oil Users" group on Facebook, and when I put some photos up, they said it didn't have much CBD in it. Who knew?

 People have offered some good suggestions, such as how to buy samples from various manufacturers so you can see if it works before you buy more. There is another group, "Our Neuropathy Friends," consisting of people who are REALLY suffering and searching for relief.

That said, I'm not in shape, but I'm going to do the Hot Chocolate Run . It's for a good cause and crazy colorful and a lot of fun. 

After my little run on Thursday, I had just enough time to enjoy a breakfast that Joe made and then get ready to go to New Canaan for Thanksgiving. I got a kick out of telling people that I was going to Granny's. She's my daughter-in-law's grandmother, who graciously agreed to host us. 

Nell went around the table asking everyone what they were grateful for.

As soon as a person said they were grateful for her, she was on to the next person.

Maybe it was after my turn, but I think I got in that I was grateful for my family, and for being with extended family. The sun came out and I said I was thankful for that.  I would have said that I'm thankful for my bone marrow donor but it seemed out of place.

I wrote her a Thanksgiving thank you when I got home. 

Without her, I wouldn't be able to kvetch that my feet are killing me and lament that I only ran about three miles. 

As I wrote in my last post, it's good to have some perspective and remember when I couldn't even get out of bed. 

It's good to get out of the neighborhood

The news has been so distressing, it was good to go on a few outings this weekend. Getting away doesn't make it go away, but a change of scene sure helps.

I had mentioned to someone that I wanted to go to the Brattleboro (Vt.) Farmers Market, first, because I heard it was fun, and also, because a reliable person recommended a vendor who was selling good CBD oil. The person to whom I was speaking said, "That's where all the hippies are!"

Farmers' market booth

She was right. It was totally cool. We got some good fruit, veggies, bread, and other stuff, and we hung around listening to the music and watching the crowd. It kind of made me want to move to Brattleboro. 

CBD oil may provide relief for neuropathy. Since the gabapentin prescribed for me only takes the edge off but not much more, my feet could use some help. We found the vendor, who also sold us CBD-infused chocolates. Though it does not get you high, it is supposedly good for relaxation. 

CBD is typically extracted from the cannabis plant as an oil or a powder. The oil or powder can then be mixed with a gel or cream that can be rubbed onto the skin or ingested orally. According to the National Pain Report, "One of the most well-known compounds of the cannabis plant is THC or tetrahydrocannabinol. Once the THC is broken down by heat and ingested, it can create a high. Although THC and CBD both come from the cannabis plant, it is only THC which is mind altering and gives you a high."

I got permission from my Dana-Farber team to try CBD as a cream, but they said not to ingest it. I only tried it twice, so the jury is still out.

On the way home, we stopped at the beautiful Bridge of Flowers, in Shelburne Falls, Mass. 

It is open April 1 through October 30. A committee of green thumb volunteers changes the plants seasonally, making it one of the wonders of the area.

They provide a list of each bulb, perennial, shrub and annual that you will see, not only month-by-month but also according to each half of the month!

I realized afterwards that my photo was a little crooked, so I am taking the liberty of reposting one from the website, approximating the day we were there, when the leaves were just beginning to turn. 

So many people were taking photographs of the flowers it reminded me of being with Katie in Park Guell, where it was hard to get out of the way of somebody's photo. It's something about color and design, I guess.

I'm talking about the fantastical public park system, in Barcelona, designed by the architect Antoni Gaudí. When I blogged about it in 2012, I said, "Crowds of people took photos all over the place as though intoxicated by the shapes and colors. It was impossible to stay out of everyone's way. We got a little crazy too."

(And for a side trip down memory lane, one of those photos is below.)

In Barcelona, 2012

On Sunday, I went solo to the North Quabbin Garlic and Arts Festival, in Orange, Mass.

Quick: What were the four towns flooded to create the Quabbin Reservoir? (They are Dana, Enfield, Greenwich, and Prescott, and you can read more about the lost towns here.) Orange, obviously, was not one of them, but it is in the area. 

There was plenty of garlic, which I don't actually like, but I do like arts, so that is why I went.

After two good days, I'm wondering what could have precipitated last night's weird and distressing relapse dream. I posed the question to a friend at tennis this morning, saying, it's been nine years, and still, I have these dreams. She said it's PTSD. I basically know that, but I usually know what brought it on, and I have no idea.

In my dream, I had gotten a good manicure and pedicure. As I was admiring the ruby/maroon color on my fingernails, I noticed that the color was coming off before my eyes. I looked down and saw that it was vanishing from my toenails too. Suddenly it was all gone. For some reason, I knew it was a sign that I was relapsing.

I told my mother. We talked to the doctor. He (I think it was my first doctor, Dan DeAngelo) said that I was OK for now. I had a level of eight of some marker. He said that when it got down to six, we would have to take action. The action would consist of giving me some shots. If they didn't work, he could do it again. But I would only get two chances. I was afraid and upset.

I don't know what to make of it. But I know that I'm lucky that in real life I got more than two chances.