The art of pacing

Having gotten stronger in the quads, I'm finally able to stand up from a lunge in yoga without help from a chair.

That said, it's still difficult for me to balance, and when an instructor leads us through standing poses, I often think, "Not that again," or "Can't we just lie down already?"

The other night, as we did a long standing sequence, I began to wobble and to struggle to stay upright. Erin often says, "Find the ease and comfort in the pose," and I certainly was not doing that. I guess she noticed, and she brought over the chair. I half thought, "Not that chair again," but I was also grateful for the support.

And when we did Warrior Two, she placed my foreword-facing fingertips on the wall and said, "Use it."

The photo is obviously not me. (I wish it was!) It's just an example of Warrior Two...without the wall, but you get the idea.

I'm trying to draw on this as a reminder not to push so hard. This

goes for other things, not just yoga. I imagine many others have a similar issue. Some have the gift of knowing how to pace; others have to learn it. You want so badly to do what you used to do that you can hurt yourself by pushing too hard. I know I've written this before, and I'm sorry to repeat myself, but it's just that I keep remembering and then forgetting.

I guess that's what happened with my feet. The stupid plantar fasciitis came back, and then ankle and knee pain followed, because I didn't lay the groundwork with stretching and strength training.

On a related topic, running, after going through three pairs of running shoes, I think I finally found the model that Ken Holt (who makes my orthotics) wants me to have. I searched for it frantically after my visit with him Wednesday, because I really need to cover a little distance without pain so I can do at least part of the 10-miler that I'm signed up to run in Philadelphia the first weekend of May with Emily and Tami.

I showed off the shoes to Erin and said that I planned to do a combination of running and walking for about five miles.

She just looked at me. I don't know if I read into her look or not, but I said, "OK, maybe three miles." We'll see; I've been on the bike, but it's not the same thing.

The shoes are a New Balance 461, a "neutral" shoe, which, combined with the orthotics, should keep my feet from pronating. I went to about half a dozen stores and searched on line until I finally found them at Kohl's.

Needless to say, they are cheaper than the collection of higher models on my closet floor. Holt wanted a New Balance below the 600 series; most everyone sells the higher models (like the New Balance 1061s that I had) with "bells and whistles" such as layered soles offering so-called motion control. My orthotics are supposed to take care of that, and the combination in a motion control shoe is too much.

Yesterday I did a run-walk around the lake (1 mile), and today I walked probably a couple of miles with Deb and the dogs and then ran once around the lake.

Once I got going, I found that I had the energy to push a little, but I made myself go really really slowly. Then I went home and stretched and iced. I'm going to have to come up with some kind of training schedule (and also sneak in a little tennis, but not too much).

By the way, my bargain shoes are kind of cute. They're gray with a pink so dark it's close to purple, one of my favorite colors and therefore, as I see it, a good omen.

Chair=support=love

I missed yoga last week because I got back too late from Dana-Farber. This week my choice was today at 9:15 a.m. or nothing.

Maddie woke me up around 7, and I decided against going back to bed in favor of getting to yoga. After Maddie got what she wanted – a walk and a meal – I had cereal and coffee. I went into the den with a section of the paper and sat next to Maddie, who was curled up in her corner of the couch.

I fell asleep and woke up a little after 9. Uncharacteristically for slow-moving me, I quickly threw on some (rumpled) yoga clothes and got to class just a few minutes late.

Erin read a few lines about the power of love, and suggested that we all make love in its many incarnations the center of our practice.

I did the poses with no problems until we came to the standing ones, which are hard because my balance is still not normal. I thought I was in trouble when we came to half moon, which involves keeping one foot on the ground, placing one hand down and then turning to the side with the other leg and arm raised.

I don't have the balance to do it, and as I watched everyone get into the pose, I thought, "Hmmmm, I wonder what I'm supposed to do now."

And suddenly, miraculously, a chair appeared in front of me. I leaned on it instead of having to reach for the floor.

It wasn't miraculously, of course. Erin had known what I needed and had quietly gone over to get the chair and place it in front of me. I did a supported version of the pose, opening up and feeling released from my fear of falling.

I was grateful for the gesture. And I breathed in love.

Back on track

I can stop running back and forth to Dana-Farber for a while. Joe, who is on February break, drove me in on Wednesday for a CAT scan of the sinuses. It came back clean, and my blood work went back to where it was before it started being funky.

White count, at last check, was high at 15, a sign that I was fighting infection. (Normal is 3.8-9.2). This week it was 8.8.

Red and platelets had been lower than usual, but on Wednesday they were OK. Hematocrit was 32.1 (normal is 34.8-43.6), and platelets were 75 (normal is 155-410).

I'll take it. Turns out the disturbance was caused by a virus. I don't have to go back until March.

On Thursday evening I took a yoga class with Erin at her Ahimsa Yoga Center in South Hadley. In addition to being a good teacher who explains everything clearly, she has also become my friend and knows where I'm coming from. So I feel very comfortable going in there. I still don't have my strength and balance back; Erin said the only way is to practice.

I'm probably getting something from it, but it's hard to tell, because during some of the poses my mantra is "get me out of here, get me out of here."

Today Donna and I shared an hour-long lesson with our coach George, who I haven't seen in a while. It was nice to see him. I haven't been on a court with Donna for ages, either. She has some powerful strokes.

The hitting felt great; I didn't miss very many. George said my shots and endurance were looking good, and, same as Erin, he said I just need to practice and strengthen. He said that when his father was in bed after an illness, he pushed a broomstick up and down over this head. OK... Well I have a bunch of light weights and a workout plan for using them. I just need to use them more regularly.

Both Donna and Joe reminded me where I was this time last year. I was in the hospital and just about to take a turn for the worse. Dr. Alyea gathered my family one night (Joe says is was Feb. 22) and told them I might not make it through the night. Donna and another friend from tennis, Deb, had come to visit and were asked to leave the room. Donna remembers her fear when she saw how sick I was.

Today my concerns were: follow-through, hit under the ball, keep your eye on the ball, knock the ball off the cone, hit high when doing friendly volleys. Then, take the dog for a walk before it got way too dark, and then, take Joe and Katie out for dinner, something I haven't done in a long time.

Now I think I'll go lie down.

Big hug

A big thank you to those who participated in the fund-raiser last night. That includes Erin and Pat, who organized it, and Erin's family and all the friends, family and neighbors who came and/or donated. There were two tables of incredible raffle prizes, plus music, dancing and a buffet. I am still overwhelmed. Although Dr. Alyea had advised against it, there were lots of hugs and kisses. It couldn't be helped, and it was good medicine.

To back up: I met Erin Kelly in 2003 while healing from my first round of treatment for leukemia. I attended a class at her Ahimsa Yoga Center here in South Hadley, and found it calming and rejuvenating. I've continued going to class (except for now when I'm not allowed in an inside group), and we've become good friends.

Months ago, she sat at my kitchen table and asked, "How would you feel if we put on a benefit for you?" My answer: "Embarrassed."

Over tea one day, I had told her this saga: I had recently been terminated by The Republican newspaper and had begun paying the high premium for my insurance through COBRA. The newspaper "terminated" me at the end of June at the same time as they laid off about a dozen employees. All of them got severance packages, but I got nothing because they said that technically, they only needed to hold my job for 12 weeks. I gave 25 years of good service, but because I got sick, I walked away with nothing. I was devastated. I don't know when I can begin looking for a job, and I can't collect unemployment until I can look for work. I do get Social Security. I didn't mean to go into this, but it provides background on the fund-raiser. Also, seeing the work people, both employed and unemployed, brings it back.

I had told Erin about my worries, and she and her neighbor, Pat, started talking about the idea of a fund-raiser. I told her that I didn't want it to seem like I was asking for money. She said that people like to do this kind of thing, that it brings the community together. "Just think of it as a big hug," she said.

Because of the embarrassment factor, originally I had hoped I wouldn't be allowed to go. But Dr. Alyea gave the green light, and the more I thought about, the more I liked the idea of seeing many of my friends.

Margaret came that afternoon to go with me and hold my hand. As she drove me to the Holyoke Country Club in the pouring rain, I began to whine. "Nobody's going to come," I said. "It will be so pathetic." (Thanks Margaret for keeping me from going over the edge.)

We drove down a dark, winding road and suddenly saw twinkling lights up ahead. As we drove up, we saw lots and lots of cars. The lights were decorating the entrance to the function room. The sound of music, laughter and talking came through the windows. There were lots of people inside.

Erin greeted me at the door with a corsage. I looked around and was astonished to see so many friends from the community along with friends from work, tennis and baseball (from Joe and Ben). Diane and David came, and it was good to see them too.

Everything went off without a hitch. In addition to being a warm, generous soul, Erin is a good organizer. She told me today that 167 people attended.

I'm not sure what I'll do with the money, but I have so many bills to pay, I'm sure it will go to good use. Plus I might buy myself one tiny little treat. (You know, good for the healing process also.)

I was pretty tired by the end of the night, but it did feel good, like a big hug.