I Feel Bad About my Neck

Yes, I know that’s the title of Nora Ephron’s 2006 essay collection and the subject of its first essay.

I borrowed it because I too feel bad about my neck, and about my face. Not because of the changes that come with age, but because of the changes that came from chemo.

Let me say that like many women, I look at myself much too closely in the mirror. In the morning I get about an inch away and study the flaws. Then I do it again in the evening. Why? Do I think that much has changed? There is an easy solution: Back off from the mirror.

My neck has actually fared pretty well when it comes to ordinary signs of aging. And my face looks a lot better now that I have decreased the prednisone and lost the chipmunk look. The problem is that my neck, and my face too, have brown spots that look like large freckles or age spots, but they are neither. They are from the chemo. On my neck I have a larger splotch where a tube went in.

My nose is a little red and sometimes has small blisters due to the effects of sunshine on skin made fragile from chemo. And because of the prednisone, I have some extra facial hair around my sideburns.

Now from this description I sound like a real mess, but I’ve been told that I’m exaggerating. My high school friend Nancy said that after recently spending a weekend with me in New York, she didn’t notice any of it…except for the good changes.

This all came to mind when I was getting dressed to meet a friend who hadn’t seen me for ages. Feeling self-conscious and anxious about exiting my “comfort zone,” I wondered if I should wear one of my mock turtlenecks to cover part of my neck.

The other choice was a scoop-neck that I like a lot. I could wear it plain or wear a scarf to hide the blemishes.

In the end, I chose the scoop-neck – without a scarf. I just wore a small necklace.

“What the heck,” I figured. “I am what I am, and I’m not going to hide it.”

I’ve been through this drill before, but that doesn’t make it easier. I think that sometimes after cancer when you start getting out more, you feel like you have a big “C” across your face. Even if you did, so what? It’s not like you did anything wrong. But still, you can feel displaced socially.

In the end, my friend didn’t seem to even notice. The get-together was more about good conversation, good coffee, and – especially important – luscious strawberry shortcake with real whipped cream frosting.